had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
