Cold hands, warm shart.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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