We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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