Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
