I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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