never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
