It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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