I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize