onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
