Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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