I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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