i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
