you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
lol hangovers are for mortals.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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