I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize