i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Randomize
