you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
that's an acceptable place to lick
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
