he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
