Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
