this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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