Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
