I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't turn off my feet"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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