dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
MIDGETS
????
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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