He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
