I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
