Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
