yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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