I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
