thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
