i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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