you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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