Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
