So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
