upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
