I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
3 2 1 whiskey
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
