Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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