The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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