Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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