I hope mine doesn't look like that
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
