Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
