just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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