first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
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Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.