The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
