Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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