Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
