Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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