You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
When are your genitals available?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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