Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
