I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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