Have you finally orgasmed yet?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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