i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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