I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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