chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize