and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
