so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
