You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
