hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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