After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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